…Aaaand two hours later, obviously I was too antsy to concentrate even on this entry.

Another hour later … here’s the entry.

I don’t know that anyone is reading this blog regularly, other than Noelle. So the continuity factor of this post will be lost on some people.

I’m almost done with this quarter, just one final (and required studying for said final, which I am avoiding…) tomorrow and then I just have to stick around the rest of the week for … the commencement ceremony! I still have two classes to take next quarter, but I’d rather participate in this ceremony than come back next June. (Although I’m considering going to that ceremony to see some friends, if things work out that way, but that’s another story.)

I’m a little nervous about the ceremony, because I haven’t walked in a ceremony since middle school! That’s over a decade ago! (Yes, I am quite old, aren’t I?) On top of that, there’s no rehearsal or real explanation of what’s going to happen, so I’m going in cold, folks. To add icing to the cake, there are only about a dozen people in the ceremony I know. Previous ceremonies, I’ve known pretty much everyone. This one, there are way more majors and other colleges than the little microcosm I’ve grown used to in my department.

What if I fall on my face? It’ll be in front of all these people I don’t know, along with all their guests. What if I forget to wear pants? What if I have a huge sneeze and smear boogers all over my face?

Then afterwards there’s a reception where everyone can gather. I’d like to talk to my classmates and say, well, good luck to ya, nice knowing you, BYE FOREVER. But I really don’t know how many people there are going to be milling around, and I don’t know how many people that I know will be there. And I don’t know if I’m meeting with my family before then, so how do I deal with 9 people trailing behind me? Or if I don’t meet my family, then I won’t have a camera with me (I don’t want to carry it during the ceremony). What will I do then?

Then after that, we have to figure out where to eat (although I think my parents already settled on Red Lobster down south somewhere). Two of my cousins each hate one of my favorite foods (Japanese and Mexican), so where does that leave me? Once I’ve decided on what type of restaurant I want to go to, I have to take into consideration the budget that my parents have (small, very small), and then there are my aunt and uncle who are nearby who I’d like to invite to dinner (but don’t want to bother them with the ceremony) who are not exactly low budget diners. What then???

But all in all these are just minor worries. What about next quarter? How do I find a job??? Oh noooo!

I was listening to Aly & AJ’s song “Not This Year” on their album Acoustic Hearts of Christmas. It just made me really sad and I felt like crying. ^^;; The song is about one Christmas they had after their Grandmother (? I don’t really remember) passed away and they just weren’t in the mood for celebrating.

Then there was that moment at Thanksgiving … weird. I don’t know. I’d just never given it a thought before. I just took it at face value that she isn’t around (in flesh and blood) any more. But now it’s like, oh yeah, she’s not here.

Eh, it’s probably because I’ve been thinking about other sad things, and it all just culminated with that song.

Another song on that CD that I enjoy (don’t get me wrong, I think “Not This Year” is a really good song, maybe perhaps the best song [to me] on the album) is “Let It Snow.” It’s so different! I’ve never heard a version of the song like this one. XD They use bongos and some guitar-ish instrument on it, and it kinda sounds like it’s taking place on a tropical island. And they’re singing about snow. I love it! XD

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Like last Friday (or maybe it was the previous Friday) N was pulling out of the driveway and driving down the street and I just found it so odd that My Brother Owns a Car. A whole, big, huge car. That is many many many times his size and weight. He’s never owned something so big. And he’s in control of it.

That may be odd enough … but I’m sure I’ve had that feeling at least once more.

And … I have a car. I don’t find that as odd for some reason. Maybe because of that whole … this is the oldest I’ve ever been, I can’t remember being older, all my previous memories are from the standpoint of … this is the oldest I’ve ever been.

I’m probably rambling. Oh well.

It’s not like I don’t like not being a kid anymore, or growing old (I hope I’m not that superficial >_>) … I guess it’s just how things change. I don’t go home after school every day anymore and play with my brothers!

I was thinking of Micro Machines either earlier today or over the weekend, also. Micro Machines? I don’t know, these little car things … smaller than Hot Wheels … they also sold these … playsets, or something, when they’re open the cars can drive all over them up in the mountain and down to the gas station, and when they’re closed it was a gasoline can. I forget what the other one was.

Bah! *goes about doing something else*

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So, some thoughts I had. Do people really know me over the internet? If they were to meet me in real life, would I be different? Would they not like that?

I think people know my brain. But I don’t know if they’d like me or not. I don’t think it’s much of a difference, the way I think versus the way I act, just slight.

Mainly I’m thinking about the way I talk online as opposed to in real life. Like, I don’t really say “wow,” for instance (or at least I don’t think so). I don’t say “hm” irl. I wouldn’t say “a good portion.” I guess I’d say “a lot.” I don’t think I’d say “was spent” (I’d say “I was” :x).

The only problem is, those words are in my brain. They are words I use. Just not in normal, vocal conversation. ^_^;; So people know me me, right? But I’m not “me me” in public.

The argument would then be, who is the real me? The person I am around other people, which would be the me “everyone” knows about? Or the person I am alone, when I’ve had time to think and such? Hm. They’re both me. Right. But then, I have two mes? Ooh. People change when they’re around different groups. ^_^ *nodnod* It’s true. I would think.

Wouldn’t the way a person is when he’s alone be the essence of that person, then? I don’t know. I forget what I was thinking now. ^_^;;;

I noticed lately that a lot of my layouts up have black and red. IAT with Michelle Branch, my lj with the bloody splotches, this blog with the reddish CG, and my diary with the “crimson stain.” It’s a rather interesting observation. Isn’t it? I don’t think this has any scary implications, but then again, things are kind of getting to me. :/ Oh, nothing really horrible, I’m still so happy and content with my life. ^_^ Even if I am with SM00 5 days a week. :b I’m kidding.

Hm, in the last month or two … I’ve made eight layouts. Two are grey, four are black with red in it, one is (was, actually) red with black in it, one is rather pnik *rolleyes*, and one was blackish with peppermintiness. Do I even like to make bright layouts? That’s a rather interesting question … 40–46, light layouts leading. ^.^;; But again, I count the nondark layouts as light ones, so drab grey ones would be counted as light layouts. Yeh … I don’t ever use candy colors or anything. :/ Rarely, but that’s when it fits the picture.

There’s even more willpower going into it to not dislike someone. I’ve gotta find something about a person I like, or don’t mind, and remember that dearly, to make the dislike go away.

Britney Spears doesn’t count. Because I’m over disliking her. Or even trying to not dislike her and find something I don’t mind about her. Now I’m just laughing at her. ^_^ Much easier on my well-being.